This part of Life has been a wondrous and strange journey for me, one I don’t expect to ever truly “get,” nor would I want to.
I love the mystery and the gifts that relationship keeps unfolding.
These thoughts have helped me find and feel more deeply, and perhaps you’ll find them useful.
So, I’m curious if you’ve seen this happen before. People tend to approach their relationships the same way they approach their business and they use a lot of the same metaphors, right? You want to build a business, what do you got to do? You got to sacrifice, you got to grind, you got to work hard, you got to do what no one else will do so you can live like no one else will live. And yet, just take that, first of all, that approach in business, while a totally valid choice, not one that I personally prescribe to. But it’s interesting how a lot of people will transfer that over to their personal relationships, even their intimate relationship and use the same terminology, right? You know, you got to work on relationships.
A relationship takes hard work. And maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not. One thing that I do know, is that this experience that as human beings we call, love. First, it’s completely subjective because no two people experience the sensation that that word evokes in the exact same way. And love, as a feeling, is not only something that is expressive, it is also something that is received. And so this feeling of love demonstrating the love that we have for somebody else, that demonstration of love cannot be any greater or more powerful then the actual love that we’re already feeling inside. And that love that we can feel inside doesn’t come from someone else. Where do you feel it? You feel it inside of you. You don’t feel it somewhere else, you feel it inside. And so that feeling of love that we can feel, which we can then choose to express. When that feeling really gets going, it would be harder work to repress that feeling then it would be to just let it flow.
So there’s no hustle there, there’s no grind, there’s no sacrifice. There’s just allowing yourself to express what you’re already feeling. That is, unless we’re making someone else responsible for generating those feelings in us. I mean, think about it, if you made somebody else responsible for your feelings, that’s a big burden to place on any other human being, let alone to place on yourself. And it’s a little bit like holding the other person emotionally hostage, right? I’ll feel good if you do this and this and this.
But instead of being emotional terrorists and holding each other emotionally hostage, we can just say, you know what? I’m going to feel good for no other reason other than that I know how to. And I’m going to allow my own feelings, all of them, including feelings of love, to be self-generated, self-sourced. Maybe coming from some place that we can’t quite define. And from that place of being centered and from that place of feeling that feeling of love, that we allow ourself to express it naturally.
That’s only one side of this coin. That’s only one piece of this puzzle. The other side is your ability to receive that love that’s coming to you. To receive the appreciation and to receive the compliment, to receive all of the love in all of the forms that it can come. And I don’t know where this falls for you but I’ve observed that most people would way rather give and demonstrate expressions of love than they would receive. It’s very challenging for many people to receive and maybe that’s the case for you. Maybe you have some old story running like, well I haven’t done anything to deserve it or yeah, but I did that thing way back then and now I’m not worthy of love. Those are stories which you are welcome to continue to tell as often, as frequently as you like but they’re in the past.
What’s real is right now. What’s real is you don’t need to qualify as worthy to receive love. Your existence is qualification enough. And furthermore, just think about this, doesn’t it feel good when you do something for someone else? Because you feel love and you see that person’s face when they read that card or they respond back to your text message or they get the surprise that you left them or they just kind of melt in your arms as you give them that real hug. Doesn’t it feel good when you see someone else, when you experience someone else receiving what you’ve given them? I mean, isn’t that such an amazing feeling? So my question is, if that’s such an amazing feeling for you when you give to someone else and they receive it and you feel so good, why would you deny someone else that feeling?
I mean, how does that make any sense? When somebody goes to give you something and you say, oh, no, no, no, please. You’re denying that person’s expression of love. What a horrible feeling. And I know you’re not doing it on purpose, you probably have some, you know, old idea of nobility or, nope, nope, I don’t need anything, I’m fine.
Come on, get over yourself. How ‘about just allow the other person to experience the same thrill of giving that you feel when you’re giving to someone else and stop gummin’ up the whole cycle. Allow yourself to give freely according to your heart’s desire and allow yourself to receive in equal amounts. To do one more than the other is a little bit out of balance. That’s like saying, you know what? I really like breathing in a lot more than I like breathing out.
Come on, you’re going to pass out. That’s not how your body works. That’s not how this universe works. Equal in, equal out. Inspiration, exhalation. Breathe in and breathe out. Give and receive. It’s a luscious cycle. And at the very least, stop denying other people the opportunity to feel good by giving something to you. Okay? So simple. This whole life thing is simple.
You don’t need to go to years and years of therapy. You don’t need to go to seminars that promise a date with, you know, some future point that never arrives. You don’t need that stuff. You want to go to that stuff ’cause it’s fun, go for it. I know I have. But at the end of the day when you get back home and you look in the mirror, guess who’s there? You, just as you are. No further qualification necessary. So why not just go be a lover. Express it, receive it and watch what happens.